IP…

Oh how I wish I was referring to my internet IP address, lol. (Okay that was the most lamest and inappropriate joke everr!)

I haven’t posted in a few day because after my appointments and being weighed they recommended that I do IP because I guess I haven’t gained anything significant since my recent lowest weight. :(

Since I am under 18 it’s not up to me so I am leaving tomorrow. I really just want to run away and hide but I know that is not a solution to anything. I know IP helps many people but I highly doubt it is going to. One can only hope though, right?! Hopefully everything will work out in my life.

So until I get out of IP/healthier, bye! I hope anyone reading this has a wonderful day and is enjoying their life to the fullest! I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s blogs and actually talking to a few girls. (Even though I barely blogged much so far, haha)

Becca xx

Taken from a lighthouse in Florida.

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The broken camera

Hellooo, I have been so busy lately!

Funny story, I took a walk to the beach last week with my camera, and was taking a bunch of beautiful pictures near the water. It was really windy though and my hair was blowing in my eyes so I could barely see, and well, I tripped over a log and dropped my camera. Okay, not really funny seeing as I broke my camera ;)! So all my pictures are crappy cellphone quality, boo. Good thing my camera is still under warranty, I think I’m going to get a new one later today. Onto some foodie pictures..

Dark chocolate covered peanuts, oh yes I did!
Biscuits

I baked some gluten-free (because of my moms boyfriend) feta cheese biscuits. They turned out pretty good actually. The texture was that of a strawberry shortcake almost. I bet if I would have omitted the cheese and salt, added a little honey, they would be perfect for it! (Must try that next time)

Peanut butter cookies

I also baked these peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips :). I made them for my aunt because it was her birthday. She raved about them, and I kept a few for myself and they were really good.

Blueberry waffle

What an unattractive, boring picture of this Vans waffle! I toasted it and took it plain when I was running out to an appointment, but boy was it delish. I always thought I didn’t really like waffles, but I guess it was just because I haven’t tried one in years. Waffles are much better than I remember. When I was a kid I liked them as well, I used to just put a bunch of butter and nothing else on them.

POPTART!

Yes, that is a poptart! It is the Natures Path brand, but hey a poptart is a poptart. These were so freaking good. I definitely challenged myself with these. After I ate these, I’m not going to lie I had a bit of a panic. I got REALLY nervous and felt horribly guilty. I went for a really long bike ride after. I love going for bike rides because it eases my anxiety and allows me to clear my head and look at things rationally. I felt much better and actually proud when I got back. It’s just food and a calorie is a calorie. If I want to have “junk food” to make up my calories for the day that is fine and normal. Most of my friends eat 2 packs for breakfast anyways!

Carrot cake

Another HUGE challenge was this lovely piece of carrot cake. It was my moms boyfriends birthday, and this is probably the first piece of cake I’ve had in years! I always passed on cake, even my own, which I know so many of us have done :(. Well let me tell you, this little beauty was a mouthgasm! What was I missing out on all these years?

This was a snack. Mini bowl of Mothers peanut butter bumpers with almond milk and 2 mini peanut butter cookies. I felt really critical of this snack/dessert because it was so carby. I hate over judging all of my food. I was craving peanut butter like nuts though, so I followed my cravings and it didn’t disappoint!

Thinkthin bar

I had this for a snack at some point. I’ve never had this flavor before. It was mixed nuts with white chocolate. It was probably my favorite one of them yet! I loved it. It wasn’t overly sweet but it wasn’t bland either. It almost tasted like a rice krispy treat which I loved. I would definitely buy these again. I love the texture of thinkThin bars because they are almost like luna bars.

By the way, I usually only take pictures of the most exciting foods which turn out to be my snacks and desserts, haha. I haven’t been taking pictures of my dinners and lunches. I feel like they are too boring because they are mostly composed of steamed veggies and chicken. I am in a huge RUT with them. Does anyone have any suggestions of good lunch and dinner meals? Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping so I plan to try a few Amy’s meals and pick up some new things for lunch.

A few days ago I finally got a haircut :)! I got 2 inches chopped off, but it was much-needed. My hair was so frail at the bottom and looked really bad. Normally I freak out when they chop off that much. I remember one time I went to get it cut and my mom secretly told the lady to cut off 2 inches when I wanted 1/2 inch. After the haircut I remember bawling my eyes out on the way home screaming that I hated the hairdresser and wanted to hurt her, haha. That definitely didn’t happen this time ;).

:)

My new hair ^. All this time being outside lightened my hair. I always go to this place called Euphoria in the mall to get it done. I loveee that they give you hand massages while doing your hair, makes you feel pampered.

I finished the book “How to kill a mockingbird”, and it was very good! One of the best books I’ve read in a while. Now I just have to find the motivation to actually write the report :P. Maybe I’ll do that today since it’s pretty gloomy outside. I also want to watch the movie called “The Secret”.

It’s a documentary on how positive thinking can actually MAKE positive things happen. There are scientists who firmly believe and have evidence proving it which I am curious to see. They talk about how the mind is capable of so much more than any of us acknowledge or could even imagine. Sounds pretty interesting right? Has anyone heard of it?

I am going to try to keep thinking positive in my recovery and not worry about every little thing. Things have been pretty good this past week because I had no appointments (WOO!), so my anxiety was down. But I know it can’t stay that way forever, especially when I start school in 3 weeks. It will be back to being stressed and dealing with schoolwork. I have 3 weeks to gain weight before I go back to school, my goal is to gain at least 4lbs because I want to look better. I don’t want people to stare, it’s embarrassing. (Of course my ED is saying, “you look so normal right now” but I know that is false!)

Have a wonderful day everyone!

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Boring? Oh well!

I haven’t posted in a few days because nothing really interesting has happened. I hate feeling like my life is so boring, I feel like I’m doing something all day, but then I get to the end of the day and think “what the heck did I do with all that time”? Ugh, well besides that the weather has been beautiful and I have been going for bike rides to the beach almost every day. :)

I thought these teeny flowers were so cute!

I also went to Toronto and saw the “King Tut” exhibit awhile ago and I just wanted to share some pictures from that trip.

Well the exhibition, it was pretty amazing! I find everything that has to do with ancient Egypt so fascinating (yes, I’m a nerd (; ) Anyways, we walked around the city after. I just LOVE busy cities. The whole momentum is just great, I really wish I lived in one. Around lunchtime we stopped in this cute little cafe..

Our waitress was actually walking towards us when I was taking this picture and gave me a funny look. I think she thought I was trying to take a picture of her, haha. I ordered a lovely salad..

So all in all, that was a nice trip :). So lets fast forward to recently. I had the new Larabars I bought.

Larabars are definitely smaller now! They used to be longer, and now they are quite short and stubby. Not that I mind it too much, I have just been noticing it. But enough about the shape! The taste is what won me over, I warmed this up in the microwave and the chocolate chips got all gooey and delish. :), I cant wait to try the other flavors, but they are so hard to find where I live!

Lately I have been dealing with extreme out of control feelings. I feel like everything is just rushing by and I have nothing to hold onto, to keep me grounded. I will not cling to ED for that comfort feeling though, it will get me NO WHERE. I just need to keep thinking rationally, as hard as it is sometimes. It’s especially hard when you can’t distinguish your thoughts with the ED thoughts. I just hope this is going to get easier, because I know life is so worth it. I have been talking to my friends more on facebook and such, and it gives me so much motivation. They seem so happy, and are doing so many fun things! That is what I want.

I have thought about going on vacation with my mom, I made a compromise and went on the boat with them. It was absolutely GORGEOUS out.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone, I loveee Fridays :)!

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I have a confession…

Hello, my name is Becca, and I am a bar and nut butter hoarder. ;).

Have any of you ever seen that show “Hoarders”? My grandfather was like that, you couldn’t even walk in his house! I know that many bloggers and blog readers have obsessions with nut butters and bars as well. I have 10 jars of nut butters and 4 boxes of bars! Actually there’s one more box my mom bought of Cliff crunch peanut butter flavor, but I put it in the pantry for now. This amount of bars and nut butter might be okay for a family of 4? But just for me (since no one else in the house eats any) it’s a little excessive. I find that whenever I see a new bar I always want to buy it and forget that I already have a bunch at home.

I need to get at eating these! No more buying any more until I get through most of these, haha. By the way I found the new larabar flavors. I bought a box of the cookie dough, and one of each of the other flavors. I plan on having one for snack sometime today so I’ll tell you what I think. I have high hopes!

Besides my little “hoarding” confession, nothing too interesting has been happening. I went to see “Charlie St. Cloud” yesterday and it was pretty good. A little slow-moving but I didn’t mind as long as Zac Efron was on-screen. I mean I’m not usually one who goes wild over “pretty boys”, but damnnn is that boy gorgeous, hehe! I had a nice time over all.

I’m pretty much stuck in a rut with my dinners, I find myself making the SAME EXACT thing every single day. I think it’s because I’m afraid something else wont satisfy me as much? Or I will wish I had my normal dinner instead? I don’t know but that is a challenge I need to overcome.

What am I going to do when zucchini is out of season?!

Pure Bars have new packaging! I was surprised by this. I have never had one with the old packaging but they seemed to be larger before the switch. Hmm, anyways I had one of these for snack at the movies :). I forgot to take a picture because it was dark in there, but I had the Blueberry flavor. YUM! Tasted like a blueberry muffin, now I know why everyone loves these.

Last night I had a dream about going back to school. In it I was normal and hanging out with my friends. And when I woke up I kind of had a little revelation. I WANT TO LOOK HOT. I want guys to like me, not think I look gross. I don’t want to miss out on all the experiences of high school. I want to be able to go out with friends, have fun, and NOT be thinking about food/weight/calories 24/7. I have not felt this certain about recovery yet, so this was a new feeling. Maybe with that dream I had means deep down, whether it’s subconscious or not, I want to change. Now I just need to DO IT.

For school I need to read “How to kill a Mockingbird” and write a report on it, :P. But I plan on getting that over with today, while laying out. I don’t mind reading because I love to read, it’s just the report that I don’t feel like doing haha.

Have a wonderful day!

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Just another Sunday..

Hello and happy sunday morning! I normally hate Sundays because they don’t even seem like a weekend to me when I have school the next day. But in the summer every day is a weekend :D.

I had a massive craving for a big bowl of Kashi golean crunch for breakfast yesterday. A big bowl of carbs? ED never allowed it before, but I went right along and had it. It may have not been the most balanced breakfast, but it was enough calories and satisfied me. I swear Kashi cereals have hidden crack, they are so addictive!

I decided to try out the “protein ice cream” I’ve been seeing around the blog world. I added frozen blueberries to mine and it tasted like sorbet! It was super yummy and perfect on a hot day. I would definitely make it again. I couldn’t believe how much it makes too, xanthum gum is just magical.

I had this Larabar as a snack yesterday. Ever since they switched to being owned by (General Mills? Quaker? I can’t remember who owns them now) and had the recipe changed a little I have noticed a difference. This was much smaller than usual and also softer. I heard that the calories were increased by like 10-20 on some of the bars, so maybe they added more oils? Regardless it was still yummy and tasted like peanut butter cookie dough :).

When I went to Starbucks the other day they had these mini cups, and I couldn’t help but take one. I thought it was too cute. I love all things that are mini like mini laras, lunas, ect. Is that weird?

(A snack of Smartbran Bran buds from the other day, mm these are so good!)

Well today I don’t think I’m going to be doing anything very exciting, as usual. My moms friends own a booth at the fair, so I may help out and work there next week if they need help. I’m actually looking forward to it for something to do. Also, my mom keeps bugging me to go on vacation with her and Dan (boyfriend). He owns a condo in Florida, and it is super nice. I went there once before and had a pretty good time. I don’t know why I don’t want to go. Actually….scratch that, I want to go, it’s my stupid ED-related anxieties that are stopping me. I’m afraid I wont be able to eat my foods, will have to eat out, ect. :/, I don’t know I guess I’ll think about going.

A horrible picture, but a delicious snack :). Cliff Mojos are amazing!

Another thing I have been thinking about is school. Less than one month away, yikes! I have to go shopping soon :). I really don’t have anything that fits me at the moment because everything is way too big. I only have one pair of jeans from a kids store that are a stupidly small size. I think I should get rid of them because if I keep them I might mourn my old body in the future, ya know? Anyways, I don’t know what I should do. Should I get stuff that fits me now because I am going to need clothes now, or should I get my pants a size up? I don’t want to look ridiculous in really baggy ones that I have. Ugh, okay enough rambling!

Have a nice Sunday! (Random, but am I the only one obsessed with Eminems song “I love the way you lie”?, I love all his songs.)

PS- Have you noticed the change in Larabars?

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Pumpkin Loaf

Hellooo, good afternoon. I had a pretty good day today. I had some bran buds cereal with blueberries for breakfast. No picture, but it was delicious and another thing I’ve been craving. I don’t know why I love that cereal so much, it’s so bland yet so good at the same time. Makes no sense, right? ;)

My chocolate chip pumpkin bread! It may not be very photogenic, but boy was it tasty. I think it may have tasted better today than it did yesterday, haha. Don’t they say that breads do that? (Like banana bread)

The pictures definitely don’t do it justice ;). I had this piece along with a glass of almond milk. The smell was so fragrant and reminded me of the fall. I loved that because fall and winter are my favorite seasons. There’s just something about that time that I love. Anyways, today was a very unproductive day. I hate feeling like that. I always feel like I must do something, or must have something to show for the day. I feel like I don’t deserve to sit around and should always be doing something. If I had a car, I probably would get out there more. One of the biggest reasons it sucks to live where I do is that there is basically NOTHING around. There is no shops or cafes within walking distance, the closest ones are probably 20mins driving. :/, we do have the lovely beach though!

I just got back from a walk to the beach. It was nice as per usual, except it was windy as heck! I could barely see while I was down there and when I came home my hair was sticking up in all directions, it was ridiculous. While I was down there I had my afternoon snack.

Ahh, what a horrible picture! It’s tougher than it seems to photograph a flimsy bar wrapper amongst 60mph winds, haha.  I was really hungry and forgot to take a picture until after I had eaten it. But I’m sure you can imagine, cliff bars all look yummy. I think the chocolate chip is my favorite flavor. I usually stray away from these because they are so calorie dense, but I had this today to give my ED a good whooping.

On the ED front, I am trying to not let those thoughts overpower me. I find even when I’m watching a movie or doing something I’m not actually paying attention, but rather obsessing over ED-related things. I have to consciously make myself pay attention to what I’m doing and I’m so sick of it! I want to be able to focus and actually have something hold my interest besides calories/weight/ect. I did pretty well today too. I managed to avoid my terrible habit of body checking. It is so pointless because I WANT to gain and IM GOING to gain so why torture myself with it? I’m so nervous I’m going to freak out if I can’t do one of them. It is not healthy to be able to fit your thumbs and pointer fingers around your thigh. Ugh, that is the worst one. My hopes are that the less I indulge in these, the more I eat, and the healthier I get, the easier it will be?

The waves don’t look nearly as big as they were! The winds are supposed to get up to 70mph tonight, eek. I know all these beach pictures are probably getting tiring, so I apologize, I just couldn’t resist. Tomorrow I think it is supposed to rain. My plans are going to include going to see the movie “Salt”. I think it looks pretty interesting. Who knows, maybe I will even challenge eating dinner out! :)

Have a nice night!

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When you are lazy..

You “forget” to photograph the lovely pumpkin loaf you baked! I’m so mad I didn’t take pictures because it came out so good! Today. I was feeling in the baking mood, so I whipped up 2 chocolate chip pumpkin bread loaves. They smelled heavenly baking and came out very dense and cake-like. I actually had a tiny slice too. For the longest time I would bake, bake, bake, but then NEVER eat anything I made. It’s so fun to get to actually sample all the recipes!

I have been having a lot of good food as of late because I have been pretty motivated! :) Since my last post I have had so many foods I was afraid of before. It’s LIBERATING! I’ve had popcorn, chocolate covered pretzels(!), and tried my sugary pumpkin loaf. I think moderation is key because previously even my “weight gain” diet was all low-cal “health” foods. I always told myself  and thought “ew, I don’t like processed chocolate covered pretzels/chocolate/ben and jerry’s, but you know what? I DO. I’ve also been walking to the beach almost every day, I’m loving it! It gives me a chance to clear my head, relax, and just enjoy!

One of my absolute favorite treats pre-ed was chocolate covered pretzels. I used to go through a tub of them in 2 days! And I am not exaggerating here. Well I bought them. And I ate them! Ohmigosh, they were absolutely delish. It’s been 2 years since I have had them, and it was a huge challenge and mind battle to eat them but I’m glad I did.

Yesterday I had a nutritionist/dietician appointment. I lost weight despite water loading a bit. I would come clean to her so I could stop having to do that. I want to tell her but have her understand I AM doing well and have been and will. I cannot keep this up though, she expects me to gain at the next appointment. I plan to have gained a little by then, but I don’t think it will be enough to not have to water load. But the loss means my meal plan is upped. She says that I need to be eating 3500-4000 calories a day. That seems like WAY too much but I am going to try my hardest. I just get apprehensive because 2500 is what the general amount is. But enough of this annoying ramblings!

Yesterday we stopped at the grocery store after the appointment and I bought a bunch of challenges. I bought a few Amy’s frozen meals that I have been afraid to try because they were higher in calories than my usual dinners. But since I need to increase I thought it would be a great way to try them out :)!

Part of my night snack last night was this little guy..

Adorable, right? I never had a mini-luna before, and I just think they are way too cute. I don’t think they would ever hold me over as a whole snack though. It’s like 2 bites of bar, haha. I’m still bummed they don’t have the new larabars at my grocery store though. I’ve been wanting to try them so bad because I’m more of a chocolate chip cookie dough girl than a key lime pie. I generally don’t like “fruitiness” in my bars. The tropical fruit, cherry pie, apple pie, key lime pie laras are my least favorites. (Cashew cookie, peanut butter cookie, and pecan pie being the tops!) Oh wow I just rambled on about larabars, okay well I hope anyone who reads this is enjoying their Wednesdays!

I’m going to remember to take a picture of my loaf tonight ;)!

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